Dundee Jokes:
A United fan and
a Dundee fan get into a car accident, and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally
demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. After they crawl out of
their cars, the Dundee fan says, "So you're a United fan, that's interesting.
I’m a Dundee fan. Wow! Just look at our cars, there's nothing left, but
fortunately we are unhurt.
"This must be a sign from God that we should meet
and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days." said
the Dee
The United fan replied," I agree with you
completely; this must be a sign from God! Then added, "And look at this -
here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of
whisky didn't break.
Surely God wants us to drink this and celebrate our good
fortune." Then he hands the bottle to the Dundee fan. The bluenose nods
his head in agreement, opens it and takes a few big swigs from the bottle, then
handing it back to the United fan.
The United fan takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap
back on, and hands it back to the Dundee fan. The Dundee fan asks, "Aren't
you having any?"
The United fan replies, "No. I think I will just
wait for the police to turn up."
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Bloke walks into a bric-a-brac
shop, and sees an ornamental brass rat, sort of thing women of a certain age
like to put on the mantelpiece. He thinks "that'll be perfect for my
Mother-in-Law's birthday", so he asks the shopkeeper how much it is.
"£10 for the rat, £100 for
the story", replies the man. "Bugger the story" thanks the
bloke, and takes the rat for a tenner. He walks off down the road, but has not
gone 20 yards when a rat comes up from the gutter and starts to follow him. Soon
more arrive, and in a few minutes the whole street is a sea of rats, all
following the bloke, who keeps walking until he comes to a cliff.
He throws the brass rat over,
and millions of rats follow, one after each other, plunging to certain death.
The bloke them runs back to
shop..... "Aaaah", says the shopkeeper, "you'll be back for the
story"
"Sod the story, where's
the brass Dundee fan?"
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A United fan is walking along a beach, when he sees an
old bottle. He picks it up, and takes out the cork. Out pops a genie who says
"I am the football genie. I grant 3 wishes, and everything you wish for,
you shall get, but every Dundee fan will get twice what you wish for."
"Fair enough", says the man." I wish for 1
million quid". "You understand that every one of the scum will
receive £2 million?" "Yep, I can live with that" And, lo and
behold, there appears a case of £50 notes.
"Now I wish for a Porsche." "You
understand that this means every Dundee fan will now own two Porsche?" "Yep,
I can live with that" And, lo and behold, every Dundee supporter is now
the owner of two Porches.
"Final wish" After some thought the United fan
replies: "I'd like to give a kidney transplant......"
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Young niteclubbers were amazed
to see Alex Smith and Mo Malpas out one night early last week enjoying a pint
together. Apparently, one young lady approached Mo and said, "Will you
give me your autograph?" "Of course" replied Malpas
"Sign here then," she
said and lifted here skirt "on me leg here". So Malpas signed, just
above her knee where she pointed. Her friends weren't to be outdone by this so
the second one said "Me too Mo, sign here" She promptly lifts up her
t-shirt. Malpas of course being a gent duly obliges.
The third one then whips off
her knickers, points and says "Sign here" showing Maurice exactly
where to sign his name.
"Sorry," interrupted
Smith "but only Bonneti signs twats!"
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There's an Arab, a Rastafarian and a bluenose fan in a
hospital waiting to pick up their newly born baby boys. The doctor comes in and
says "I'm afraid there's been a terrible mix up and we're not sure which
baby is which..."
The doc leaves the 2 men and the bluenose fan to decide
who picks first, so they draw straws and obviously the bluenose loses, and the
Arab wins and runs over and picks up the little black baby...
"What the bleedin' hell are you doing, that's not
yours..." cries the Rasta, "Fu*k off, mate I won and I'm not ending
up with a Dundee fan...".
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A Dundee fan and a United fan
were sentenced to death by firing squad. The officer in charge asked the Scum
Fan if he had a last request. 'Yes' replied the Dundee Fan, 'I'm a keen Dundee
Supporter, and I videoed the last game Dundee played. Could I watch the video
before I die?'
'No Problem', replied the
officer, 'I'll get the men to rig up a large screen, and you can watch it from
here'
Then turning to the United Fan,
he asked 'And what about you, do you have a last request?'
'Yes', he replied, 'Shoot me
first'.
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A man meets a friend and sees that his friend's car is a
total write off and covered with leaves, grass, dirt and blood. He asks his
friend, "What's happened to your car?" "Well," the friend
responses, "I ran over Ivano Bonneti". "OK," says the man,
"that explains the blood... But what about the leaves, the grass, the
branches and the dirt?"
"Well, he tried to escape through the park."
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So there's this guy driving a
car down the road in an erratic manner. He gets pulled by a policeman, who says
"I'm sorry sir, but I'm going to have to breathalyse you" The man
promptly produces a card, which reads: THIS MAN IS ASMATHIC. PLEASE DO NOT TAKE
BREATH.
The policeman replies
"Well in that case sir, you will have to accompany me to the station for a
blood sample." The man again produces a card, this one reading: THIS MAN
IS A HAEMOPHILIAC. PLEASE DO NOT TAKE BLOOD.
To this the policeman says
"Well sir, we will have to take a urine sample in that case sir."
With that the man produces yet another card, this one reading: THIS MAN IS A
DUNDEE SUPPORTER. PLEASE DO NOT TAKE THE PISS.
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Juan Sara wakes up one morning, and remembers how much he
had to drink the night before. He's surprised to find that instead of feeling
rough, he's feeling pretty good, and checking the mirror, he's looking pretty
good too!
However, he's embarrassed to find that he smells awful,
so he goes downstairs to find the bird cooking breakfast. "You're looking
pretty good, considering last night, how do you feel?" she says.
"Fine" he replies, "what's for breakfast?"
"Nothing for you mate, you smell awful...go training
or something" she says, when he gets closer. So Sara turns up at training,
and Bonneti says, "Now I heard about last nights activities, and I’m not
impressed, but at least you look alright.... how do you feel?"
"Pretty good, boss" replies Sara.
"But you smell awful mate, let me recommend a doctor
to you - get some professional advice" says Bonneti. So Sara hauls himself
off to the doctors, and describes his problem. "Everyone tells me I look
good, and I feel amazing, but for some reason I smell awful..."
The doctor pauses for a moment, then says "That ones
easy mate - you're a cunt!"
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Peter Marr was to meet his new
girlfriend outside the Cinema at 7pm, at 9pm she had still not arrived, so he
went home furious. He phoned her up and said what the fucks going on, I waited
for Two hours in the cold. She said, I am not going out with you now, we are
finished. He Said Why?
She Said, One of my friends
said you are a Paedophile. He Said, a Paedophile? That’s a big word for a Seven
year old!!
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Three football fans are in a church, praying for their
teams.
The first one asks, "Oh Lord, when will Scotland win
the World cup?"
God Replies, "In one hundred years"
"But I'll be dead by then", says the man.
The second one asks, "Oh Lord, when will a Scottish
club actually doing something in Europe?"
The Good Lord answers, "In five hundred years"
"But I'll be dead by then", says the man.
The third one asks, "Oh Lord, when will Dundee win
the Scottish Premier League?"
God Answers, “I’ll be dead by then!"
